I managed to get about ten hours of driving in yesterday, despite the late start (had coffee in the morning with Joy, who was in much better spirits from the night before). Normally within an hour of hitting the road, I completely relax, but I was stressed on yesterday's drive, and everytime I noticed, I was scrunching my brow like I do.

I wasn't tired at all, considering I had next to no sleep the night before and was up at 6:30. I also drove SEVERAL hours past sunset, which I never do, but I had a good clear NPR station and I wasn't tired.

Holed up in Beckley, WV for the night at a LOVELY Howard Johnson's ... clean room, smells good and a great nights sleep and a nice bath this morning.

Realized I forgot a few things, such as A HAIRBRUSH, never mind proper walking shoes (wha?) and a cardigan that fits... but I did remember my hippy spirit, and yesterday I remembered to stock up on food for the drive today, because a few years ago, Tracey and I got stuck in Mobile Alabama on xmas day with NOTHING open except a crappy gas station and the meal was less than spectactular.

Speaking of which, I bought one of those Campbell's soup in a sippable container that you can nuke, and although that is something I would NEVER normally eat, I had it for supper last night and it was shockingly good. So there you go. I filled up on a HUGE and delicious continental breakfast this morning, so all is good for the day's drive. Should hit Florida tonight. It's 12 hours to Clearwater, but I might do Daytona or Orlando first... see how it goes and how tired I get.

Grateful for:
-- the weather creeping up a degree at a time the farther south I go
-- hair looking okay despite no hairbrush, and no possibility of getting one until tomorrow. LOL
-- opportunity to cardwell (car-dwell a la van dwell) tonight! LOL
-- texting Joy all day yesterday
-- great night's sleep

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I remember one time Angela telling me about her friend Jan who liked to drink too much. I must have pursed my lips and made a face, and Angela said very matter-of-factly, "Oh Jo... Jan drinks, I eat, you blog. We all have our thing."

How true.

I blog. I am apparently terrible at keeping confidences and I never pretended to be any good at it. And when I feel something, I tend to blog about it. It's gotten me into trouble, the way drinking too much gets a drinker into trouble, and yet still I do it. I don't feel much most of the time -- I'm kind of a non-emotional person, and other than the what's-his-name thing and Angela's death, quite frankly, I don't over-emote much at all. But when I do, I blog about it. That's what I do. If that makes me a bad person, then it makes me a bad person.

Tonight Joy sent me several texts quite insistent I go to Vern's house. I had to pack for Florida, and it was cold and I was under the electric blanket, but truth be told, I just love her so much, I look forward to seeing her, and I knew I was going away for a week and a half (to Florida -- I leave tomorrow) so what the hell.

When I got there, Jim was there, too. Jim, Joy, Vern and me. Turns out she had an announcement and wanted to tell all of us.

The cancer is back. Bad. It's spread and it's stage three. They basically told her to make arrangements. I think it's colon, liver and bladder now. She's going to go through four more rounds of chemo, twice as intense as before, but from the way she was talking, the outlook is bleak. She was getting progressively more drunk as the night wore on and wanted to talk extensively about her funeral. It was gobsmacking. I can't even see straight right now.

She told me that Alex just LOVES LOVES LOVES me and to please be there for him after she is gone. I don't know if that was just her drunk talk or what. She said Alex has no one like me in his life at all, and for me to be 'his out' for him... that he needs a person like me in his life.

I literally met the kid last week. But I definitely DEFINITELY feel connected to him, and even just YESTERDAY I blogged that I'd made a new friend and it was a twelve year old boy.

I am utterly speechless. I'm supposed to leave for Florida tomorrow, and I don't really even know which way is up. I think there is part of me that knew this was coming... When she said it had spread to her bladder a few weeks back, I looked it up, and it was not a good prognosis. I have just been so focused on her LIVING, it was not even on my radar to think about her DYING. She is, hands down, the most joyful, joyous, life-filled person I've met in recent memory.

I am speechless.

I need to digest this. It just sucks on every single level imaginable. Her poor kids. Poor Vern. Poor me.

She asked us not to tell anyone close to her, and here I am blogging about it like an idiot. I don't think anyone we know reads my blog. And I can't help it, blogging is what I do. I guess I should friends-lock it, but I don't know I don't know I don't know. I need to sleep. What a nightmare.

Grateful for:
-- life still left in us
-- fleecy jammies
-- getting Vern's and Jim's cell numbers
-- getting sort of somewhat packed
-- Joy being my friend

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I had an absolute *blast* today with my BFF Joy and her two kids. We went for a very late lunch after work and then off to glow-in-the-dark mini-putt, ending at the Walmart during xmas season, which you can just imagine... should have been a nightmare for me, but was oddly fun.

At lunch, Alex (Joy's 12 year old dark-haired son) was showing me a splotch of white hair he has on his head. He's kind of self-concious about it. Joy went grey at 18 and hasn't seen her natural hair colour in decades, and Kassy (her 9 year old daughter) has dark arm and leg hair (she's half Portuguese), so we were discussing this. I said quite confidently, "I do not dye my hair, I do not wear makeup, I don't shave, and there is nothing wrong with me. I'm perfect exactly as I am. God doesn't make garbage."

Maybe you had to be there, but it was HILARIOUS! The kids were kind of stunned. Alex, who is a VERY mature Taurus, said very seriously, "that's a really healthy attitude, Jo" and I was cracking up.

I love mentoring kids. I sometimes think that my personal mission statement (which, if you don't know, is to inspire people to live bold and authentic lives through my fearless example and writing) was tailor made for the kids in my life. I really really really feel it's important to show people, especially young impressionable kids whose self-esteem often lies in the balance, that it's OKAY to be exactly as you are, and you don't need to be something you are not. GOD DOESN'T MAKE GARBAGE. I used the term 'god' sort of tongue-in-cheek, but I know Joy and her family are catholic, so it had that added weight.

Alex just LOVES me and it absolutely cracks me up. I'd met him a few times before as I've gone to a couple of his hockey games (I keep saying I'm turning into a hockey-step-mom!! LOL) and he's so wise for his age and just delightfully well behaved. After lunch, we realized we'd have to drive about 15 minutes to Burlington to the mini-putt, and Alex announced, "I'm going with Jo!" and I said kind of jokingly, "Don't you kids need booster seats or some such thing??" He rolled his eyes and said no. He's almost as tall as his mom. Hey, what do I know about kids? I thought some of them (and yes, it's true, some of them do) need booster seats or to be in the back. Not 12 year olds, though. LOL

So I told Alex I like the music so loud my ears bleed and he said enthusiastically "SO DO I!" so we BLARED Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" followed by a bunch of Kanye and sang at the top of our lungs (he knew all the words to everything I played!), played air guitar and drums and banged our heads while we roared down the highway. It was a riot. I have ANOTHER new friend. A 12 year old boy, no less. LOL

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Joy and Vern and I went and saw that movie "The Blind Side" on Sunday and it was a REAL tear jerker. More importantly, the company was good. I love having local friends now. I'm so giddy about it, I don't even know what to be doing with myself half the time.

And work has been fantastic the last few days (Did I really just say that??) partly because the schools are closed for the holidays and we have nothing to do but just bide time, so Rob, James and I brought in our guitars yesterday and had a jam session. There are still *some* issues with how those guys don't listen to me when I speak, never mind play whatever they want and I'm supposed to just follow along with them... But it was a really good time, nonetheless. They have only been playing about a year each, while I've been playing for 24 years, so it was nice to be the 'senior' in the group and be able to show them a few things, such as how to just ENJOY the music and worry less about being technically perfect. Rob had printed out some songs and chords, one of which was "Time of Your Life" by Green Day, and I tend to have that strumming pattern, so I just started playing it and the room went a bit silent. I don't know that I nailed it (I rarely nail songs when I play them on the guitar) but it was *damned* good and that felt really good. I also have lost all inhibition about singing, so I was the only one doing any of the singing, and that was fun. A LOT of fun, as a matter of fact, and crazy liberating.

Finished off the day with an awesome conversation with James, Oscar and Kenny about history, Eisenhower, the military-industrial complex, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, poverty and other such light topics. LOL

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I finished a quilt on Sunday night which I gave to Am. It didn't come out exactly how I wanted, but it's okay... it's the process that's fun for me. Except that this day... I suffered a SEVERE sewing injury. The needle went right through the fleshy part of my left thumb and it's a NASTY cut. Good thing I have excellent first aid skills, because this one is really going to scar. It is bandaged up tightly and has been for days. Dangerous stuff, this quilting. LOL

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I have to pack tomorrow for Florida. I'm kind of behind on my preparations. I also have to return the key to Doris as I'd cat-sat for her last night and this morning. Note to self. LOL

Grateful for:
-- winter solstice ... LONGER DAYS FROM HERE ON IN!
-- the V. family
-- good times at work
-- hot chocolate
-- my new friend Alex

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I've been hanging out lately with my homegirl, Joy. I even went to her son's hockey practice with her the other night, and I was CRACKING her up, taking pictures of the Zamboni, because I'm so far removed from hockey-mom culture, I didn't even know they had Zambonis at public arenas. I thought that was something for the major leagues. ROFL!!!

I even bumped into a lady I knew from work there, and it reminded me of how small the world is.

Afterwards I hung out at her house with Vern and Jim, as well as her son Alex, and her son is a GEM and I said she's either lucky to have such a well behaved kid, or a damn good mom. I think the latter is probably more like it.

Joy and I have such a rip-roaring good time hanging out, I actually got pangs of hanging out with Lori at the hockey games when I lived in the Arctic. WOWZAs.

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Today I was scheduled for a medical procedure at the hospital that was supposed to take four hours, so I booked a sick day. Joy was INSISTENT that she take me to the hospital and stay with me the whole time. I am not used to people doing things for me, helping me on that front. I'm kind of independently spirited, never mind that it's just that I don't have people in my life who can or will drop everything to be with me for shit like that. At my last medical procedure (the endoscopy) I was mildly pharmaceutically sedated, and couldn't drive home. I walked down to the hospital and intended to take a taxi home. The woman taking all my information at the beginning was VERY rude to me, and said "Who is taking you home" and I said, "I'm taking a taxi" and she said, "Don't you have any friends??" Fuck off lady. How about not everyone has a car, you fucker, never mind the ability to take a day off work for someone elses' problems.

That being said, Joy can do a lot of work from her Blackberry, so she wouldn't take no for an answer and was at my door at 8:30 this morning. I guess just having come through chemo twice herself, she's got pretty strong opinions on the subject.

So get this...

I had researched the procedure, which was called "Gastric Emptying" and it was supposed to be done on an empty stomach. They would give you some food (perhaps a scrambled egg, so said the online article I found) spiked with RADIOACTIVE MATERIAL, and they would monitor it as your body digested it. They can tell your rates of digestion this way. Lovely. Yum yum!

Only one problem. I can't eat eggs. They are one of my trigger foods for the stomachaches I get. I told the technician that when I walked in the door, and saw the scrambled egg on the plate. She didn't seem the least bit concerned and started asking me for all sorts of standard information. Then she said oh blah blah blah, you have to eat the egg, blah blah and I stopped her and said I CAN'T EAT EGGS. I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT. She said, don't worry, it's not real egg, it's an egg beater. I said, yeah, I've tried those, they are so real eggs, just eggs without yolks. After some discussion I explained to her that my stomachaches are triggered by certain foods (eggs being one of them) and that it's like a loaded gun on the table there for me. The pain is excruciating and lasts several hours. But GET THIS. I said I will eat it anyhow, for the procedure, seeing as I'm in a hospital and you can hook me up with painkillers when the pain overtakes me, because at least I'd be under the supervision of a doctor. She said, no, we can't give you painkillers.

WTF.

Further to that, the doctor was nowhere to be found and unavailable by page. There was some discussion that they could possibly put it in tuna, and I told her no-can-do, I'm a vegetarian. She said chocolate pudding, and that sounded delightful to my 12-hour fasted ears. She went to ask someone, and came back saying it was impossible for two reasons -- first off, all the data they have is based on egg digestion, so they can't compare mine if it's in a food other than eggs. Secondly, the radioactive material they had for me was mixed in with the egg on the table, and once it's in the food, you can't get it out. I said I'd heard about the isotope shortage in Canada and I guess they don't just have that shit laying around for mishaps. Ahem.

So she nixed the test. Said it's not the test for me. Whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean. I simply cannot believe with the amount of allergies and intolerances out there, they didn't have options. Seriously. Bad medicine. They must deal with people with egg allergies or vegans in their line of work. Seriously. She said no, it's never been a problem before. I find that crazy hard to believe.

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I'd already booked the whole day off work, and there is no way to undo a job once you've entered it into our sick-day system at work. So I had the day free. Joy and I wound up going for a big breakfast (I was starving!) getting a bunch of errands done and wound up calling it a "JOY DAY." LOL Our running joke is that we all take "Vern Days" when Vern once posted on Facebook that he was "taking a Vern Day" and the next day Jim put "Jim is taking a Vern Day" and then I put "Jo is taking a Vern day". But today was for sure a Joy day, and Am even got to meet her when we met her at work for a tea.

I am back on my PPIs which is good, as I was off them for a week, and I'd had several minor and one major stomachache this week. I think those drugs are really helping ward off problems, and if I have to be on them for life, so be it. Another nail in the velvet coffin that is my fucking horrid job with an amazing drug plan. LOL

Grateful for:
-- brunch with Marilyn yesterday
-- hanging with Joy (I will be grateful for every day I spend with her)
-- getting a Joy day
-- hanging at the Ford Plant which was WAY cool
-- my White & Nerdy sweatshirt

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