jaxluvsyou15

No More

2009-11-04T05:02:42Z

Hello Everyone!
It's been a hot minute since I've posted so here is an update.
Well first of all school is going great. I have a high B to A average & all of my financial aid is finally taken care of
I have two jobs I enjoy so much. I'm a cook and a psychiatric patient aid and I love doing both things.
As far as my beloved car it has finally laid to rest. haha Bertha(aka the silver piece of crap) has finally groaned it's last mile away and I'm actually going to a car auction with my uncle in a week to find myself a new car.
This delays my move into an apartment but that's life. It's not so bad, my mom is never home and neither is Ben so I get more or less enough privacy. I work 40 hours between both jobs so I'm not home much either. Not having a car is really killing me, but I've saved enough to fix that thank god!
As for the love life...well i'm definetely enjoying single life. I'm not really interested in settling down. I'm far too busy in my own life to concentrate on anyone else. That's not to say I'm not dating anyone but thankfully it's a totally relaxed situation and we're on the same page. I think being single is healthy, you shouldn't NEED to be with someone.
I don't know what else to really say actually...i actually should be hitting the hay because I'm up at 7 am like i am everyday for damn class lol.
I'll leave you with this amazing song I found. I've had it on repeat for hours smiling. Look it up it's a great track.
You tried, boy
You tried to blame it on me
At first it worked
I was feeling so guilty
You said, you said
I was the reason why
We couldn't work out
But that was all a lie
You never gave me
What I gave you boy
But it's your loss
'Cause you made the choice
To walk out
But you want me back around
I wish that I never loved you
Never loved you

Chorus:
I should have never let you have my heart
You made me not want to feel again
Made me scared to open up, but
Now I'm better off
No more bad days
Don't need you to validate me

No More
(I don't need you)
No More
(I don't need you)
No More
(I don't need you)
No More
(I don't need you)

You made me
Made me think we had something real
But then you tried to use the way I feel
Against me
Make me a yes girl
You tried to do
Had to free myself
'Cause I can't let you
Get the best of me
No more misery
Had to free myself
'Cause you're not the one for me

And I bet you wish you had my love again
I bet you wish you never made that decision
'Cause now you want me back
I bet you want me back
But when I cry myself to sleep
Tell me, where are you?

Chorus:
I should have never let you have my heart
You made me not want to feel again
Made me scared to open up, but
Now I'm better off
No more bad days
Don't need you to validate me

Bridge:

I did everything you asked me to
But nothing was good enough
And baby, we're through
You act so arrogant
You act like you're heaven sent
And I'm not gonna let you get the best of me
I'll find someone who loves me for me

I'd like to thank Heidi Montag for making quite possibly the most empowering song I've heard in awhile.
Have a Good one! :)

jaxluvsyou15 @ 2009-08-04T16:06:00

2009-08-04T20:24:53Z

Well hey everyone. I feel like I haven't posted in quite a hot minute so here I am.
Life has been a rollercoaster. I've been so busy being home that honestly the days melt together. I'm loving it though. I'm going back to school for my liberal arts in peace and justice come august and I work as a psychiatric patient aid for A&B registry at the local hospital. I absolutely love my job and it's great pay. I talk to the patients all day and you'd be amazed how every single person in the world has such a different story. It's so rewarding to work with people in need. I work A LOT & when I don't work I'm making time for friends.so i've been neglecting youtube and livejournal & that I'm sorry for.
In other news I am still looking for another job because I left olive garden. The boss was a homophobic prick and claimed to fire me for my hair but everyone knew the truth. My buddy Tommy is the manager of Hot Topic and told me he would hire me but I don't have much clothing from there so I'm not sure. Why waste my money on clothing i'd never wear out you know?
WHO KNOWS...
also I'm dating a girl now named Danielle. She is Korean and we think hawaiin ha we don't know(she is adopted with two white parents). We are taking it slow & not officially together but we aren't seeing anyone else. She is absolutely amazing. She lets me be exactly who I want to be and likes me for who I am. We can hang out and play video games and call eachother dude and not get strung out and she can totally deal with my sarcasm and give it right back. I'm so comfortable with her and it's odd to think after such a short time of knowing eachoher how that comfort happened. It's not of the norm with me to open up and show vunerability and I do with her. It's going really great. She also has HER OWN LIFE and doesn't suffocate me. We do our own thing and meet somewhere in the middle of our chaotic lives. She is a Culinary Major. Always had a thing for Asians hahah she's gonna kill me.

Other than those little tid bits life has just been one good time after the other. There have been the sour parts but it's good to be home. I miss Jace(even if we aren't on the best of terms) and specific people back in Bama everyday, but I know coming home was the best thing for me to do. Even though I'm moving out soon and moving to Mass I believe. I've gotten so much of my life together and really grown.
One thing I've learned is to not let anything strip your confidence and self drive. Words are just words. Know your self worth and Carpe Omnis.

Numb

2009-06-18T22:32:08Z

Yes it is true everyone..Jace and I have broken up.

Not because of what that POS Charles posted, as far as that untrustworthy dick goes he can go straight to the depths of hell..I'd laugh..and btw everytime you flirted with me i wanted to vomit, I was just angry with jace, when i say LOL alot it means i'm not paying attention to you. I wouldn't date you if you were the last creature on earth.

Not because of any drama did we break up..to be honest its no ones business why. We're still best of friends and love each other dearly...we hope that when i get home I can establish myself and maybe Jace can move to NH in december..friends or lovers we don't know...but there is no doubt that I will love this boy till the day I day and he will always have a piece of me no one can claim....this all sounds well and good...but every piece of me has shattered...i can't describe this...I've never felt it before...complete and total emptiness...no desire to go on....the uncontrolable urge to cry until you have nothing left....I was so strong and okay with all of this until my mom confirmed the day shed be here to drive back home with me...I can't imagine driving back through this country...the same route i took with him...home..without him....waking up everyday without him...forgetting his smell and the feel of him..who will i take care of and cherish?...every picture a stabbing reminder.....no girl will ever be good enough for him in my opinion unless she is me.....he is MY puzzle piece and my puzzle has crumbled and decayed. No amount of hollering and tears seems to be calming me...
I never want to feel this again
I never want to let another soul in ever again....
no one should have the power to break me this way

....the upside is he still will be in my life somehow. my bestfriend in the entire world...the person i would do absolutely anything for

....I WILL NOT be leaving youtube...and I will still be on Tmates...I will still advocate

I can do this...no matter how much i don't have any desire to.....

who knew your whole world could be destroyed in a matter of hours

jaxluvsyou15 @ 2009-06-06T20:46:00

2009-06-07T02:34:56Z

God has my day been stressful.... I'm so sick and tired of defending myself and TMates.
We do so much for this community or we try to. I keep getting bit in the ass for being sup.ortive. I put out my life for everyone to see and my emotions for everyone to hear and it really burns me when people are negative. i catch people on facebook and on youtube bashing me. It's so tempting to just say FUCK youtube and peace out, but I'm not a quitter. I'm here to advocate and i guess this is the bargain i made becoming so popular on youtube. I didn't know I'd get such a positive response at first. I guess with the sweet comes the sour.

I'm glad for Jace's 2 weeks on T though. The mood swings ARE hard to handle but it could be worse. I want things to start going right for my babe. I'm so sad we cant find the movie files for his first t shot. I could see the heart break on his face....

As much as he drives me nuts sometimes he's the light of my life. Practically my life. & i don't mind that. Since when did it become a bad thing to dedicate yourself to someone so completly?Everyone envies that mooshy chick flic love where the two people are meant for eachother and are so entirely devoted to eachother...BUT in real life people act like its a sign of weakness I've noticed... I think this is utter and complete bullshit..
Now if jace and I broke up I'd live on, i'd go back to NH and continue life. Prob go back to being a co manager and get my own place with my 3 bestfriends. BUT i would never want that. Life without Jace seems less than appealing.
I think the femenistic view of being absolutely completely totally and utterly independent and acting as if you absolutely don't need someone is cold. Love is a main component of our existance.
Sorry about my rant

As for TMATES im still going to do my thing everyday and try not to let the negatives get at me. Ignore it..

jaxluvsyou15 @ 2009-05-31T15:22:00

2009-05-31T20:46:43Z

Hello Loves, Jackie here! Now a small warning, I don't have amazing grammar so please don't judge me haha.

Anyways, I just want to talk about the recent happenings on YOUTUBE. As some of you may know, MighTmenftm has somehow been shut down. Mightmen has repeatedly been hacked into and the boys have gone through countless passwords trying to eliminate the problem. They aren't quite sure if youtube closed their account or if the hacker did this..but either way that is about as crappy as it gets. If someone has done this I want them to know they're lower than pond scum. This channel and all the videos on it were an amazing and unique resource for the FTM community and you have destroyed it. These are videos and moments that they can never get back because of you. Actually that probably makes you feel good...but guess what!? You've failed in your attempt to silence these amazing men. They'll still post, they'll still tell their story, and they will re create what was destroyed. You cannot silence them as hard as you try. Your failed attempt to silence them is just one more motivator as to why we need these strong men in our society speaking out about things and helping others.

As for the alternative..if youtube has deleted this account I think it's time to lash out at youtube. If chris crocker can openly bash youtube and say the most idiotic things in the world then these young men have no reason to be shut down!
This situation is unbelievable and beyond me. I know it's just youtube but Mightmenftm was such a big part of the transgender community and a huge part of Jace's pride and life. I'm personally saddened and disgusted.

Anyways that's my little rant...other than that life is pretty okay. I'm very sore from tubing with jace and his father yesterday at the beach. I'm deathly afraid of fish and I did tubing in OPEN OCEAN WATER.I didn really well and we have it all on video..Once i fell out i went head first flying and spinning in the water and I think i pulled something badly in my neck. I also began to cry because i realized i was in open water haha. Once I was over the shock I was pretty proud of myself considering Jace's dad is crazy behind the wheel.
As for school I'm sort of at a stand still...I'm waiting for my loan company to call me back and to get in contact with my school counselor. Phoenix is the most incompetant school ever pretty much. Sorry this is such a boring entry I'm very tired and scatter brained. I'll write a more eliquent and interesting post later :)

My New Livejournal

2009-05-29T19:43:01Z

Hey everyone!!
This is my new Livejournal. I will be updating it much more frequently in the weeks to come :)
As of now I don't have much to say besides that I'm excited for Jace's changes to come as the weeks progress!
Thanks for adding me and keep looking for my reactions and experiences as life goes on.
:) Thanks for reading!